I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
