My liver just broke up with me...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
