have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize