final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i came on her dog
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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