im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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