No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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