Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
