broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
