I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize