my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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