i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
