Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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