just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
