Can i not drive my cunt home
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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