my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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