see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
