There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
