You smell like stripper and shame
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
