did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
