man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
