Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
