Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
