The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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