Your mouth is God's brothel.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
