No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize