I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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