I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
