she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
