pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
