I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
