Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
