dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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