my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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