Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
