Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize