I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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