There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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