I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
