But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
