I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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