Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize