3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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