accomplished twins. life is a go
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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