Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
