I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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