Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
