im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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