I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
