White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize