Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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