8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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