I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
