i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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