I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
