Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
