Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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