I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
