she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
