I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
