guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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